On Love, Actually

I have had the pleasure to be inducted into a sorority, and to become friends with a member, because of that induction. And also because of that induction, I have become friends with her best friend. Over the last 6 months I have spent one day a week with these women. Talking, laughing, getting on each others nerves in a good way, and through them I have gotten to know the men that they spend their time with. Now the thing that makes this story interesting is that both of these men are exceptional. I mean they are good men, handsome, nice, and most important they are good, very good to my friends. And in turn, my friends are very, very good to them. But their relationships are built in two completely different ways. Each couple relates to each other in different ways, and they both work, and work well. But there are somethings that both possess that make them have the dynamic that makes the relationships admirable.

This has all been said to illustrate the reason why I was able to write this poem.

I cannot write about love when I'm in it. I just can't. I have loved a dozen times, I have only been IN love twice in my life. Both of those times I had the biggest writers block, or I was just so selfish with my emotion that I didn't want to share it with the world, the latter being the best explanation.

Now, when I'm not in love, I can write about wanting it. I have no problem with that. I can write about how I imagine it feels, or how it looks, or smells. I can write about having something better than I had before. I can be wishful, hopeful. This is no problem. I also had the horrible disposition of being a "love hater," a person so sick of seeing others in relationships that I never really wanted to know what their love looked like from the outside. I guess I just didn't want to witness what I didn't have.

But until I was around these two women, I did not know what that loved actually looked like, and seeing this makes me realize that I never had what I thought I had.

So I have had the idea of writing about this love that I see often, but I did not know how to voice it, how to put it in tangible words, how to let others read what I see.

Enter a third couple. And goodness, they are just as spectacular as the first two. This couple is actually so well suited for each other it's amazing they didn't meet in a sandbox somewhere. They have the same sense of humor, the same chill personality, and the same caring nature. That being said, it was something that he said to her that gave voice to the idea of this "young love" that I wanted to showcase. (Now I say "young" because I, like most, have the pleasure of being around couples who have been married for years, and even going to the weddings of friends, but I have never had the opportunity to be a witness to the meeting, arranging, and blossoming of couples until now) It was just 140 characters but it summed up what I had been seeing.

Now, I am in a place where other people's happiness, makes me happy. And I seek to be around people who genuinely love each other, I can ask their advice, I can get different perspectives on how they make things work because they are all so different, but work so well together. This is a super long poem explanation, but if one day I become a famous poet, and some senior in some college somewhere is doing a study on my work, I would have at least helped to answer the question, "what was her motivation?" My motivation is not love, or how to be in it, but being surrounded by those caught up in an emotion so strong, that their joy has rubbed off on me.

#7: Love, Actually

I have determined,
There is a difference between
Loving,
And loving unconditionally.
See, love is in love with being in love,
It's a selfish emotion.
Love sends a "get well soon" message when you're sick,
And drops you off, then texts to make sure you got in safely.
Love likes to look good,
And makes sure you look good when you're with it.
Love listens to you complain,
tells you congratulations on a promotion,
And buys you a drink for your birthday.
Love knows your favorite things,
ignores your flaws
And supports your vices.
Love tells you that you're perfect in the morning and kisses your forehead,
And says you can do nothing wrong.
Love encourages your triumphs,
But unconditional love supports you even when you fail.
It tells you when you're wrong,
And even though it tells you your breath needs a touch-up in the morning, it kisses you
anyway.
Unconditional love makes you want to improve just to make it happy,
And still loves you unconditionally if you fall a little short.
It understands why some things mean more than others,
And goes out it's way to find new things that you'll like even more.
Unconditional love sings you happy birthday at midnight, and buys the whole damn bar,
if that's what you want, then watches you sleep til morning to make sure you're ok.
It sends you a dozen roses to your desk to celebrate your accomplishments,
And makes you completely forget about whatever the hell it is you do at that building
downtown, when it walks through the door.
Unconditional love likes to make you feel good, looks damn good while doing it too, and
even digs how making you feel good makes love feel good, and likes how that feeling
looks good on you.
It walks you to the door, and has counted the stories and numbered the windows to make
sure the light turns on in your apartment before it leaves (even though it would never
admit to doing so),
then calls to tell you goodnight when it gets home.
Unconditional love is so in love, it wishes for thousands of dollars in loans to go to the
best schools, 12 years of sleep deprivation and brain cramps, malpractice insurance, and
specialties in everything possible on the off chance you come down with something so it
can be your first, second, and third opinion.
Love is a selfish emotion,
In love with the idea of being extended to catch the falling,
but moving aside afraid the strike will make it fall too.
But, unconditional love...

Unconditional love will stretch.
Bend.
Contort.
To secure what's hurling towards it, and
fall to cushion the impact.
So, yes.
There is a difference between loving,
And loving unconditionally.
Everyone has loved.

*shoutout to @LogicDriven for the title

Bad Habits

I have a bad habit of freaking out at feelings. For as sensitive as I am, you would think that stuff like that wouldn't phase me, but alas you would be wrong. Now, I don't freak out in the sense that I get clingy or start imaging stuff that isn't there. I have a habit of deleting.

If I like you, and I don't feel adquately recipricated, I delete. If I feel that something is moving too fast, I delete. If I feeli that something is moving too slow I delete. I think that I have deleted the phone number of every male in my phones address book at least once, unless they are a very good friend of course.

Case and point:

I had a little crush on this attractive young teacher that I did a presentation for a while back. We excanged information, and talked a couple of times. He asked me out, but something happened and we got disconnected and he didn't call me back. I called him, he didn't really have a reason, so when I got off the phone I deleted his number. Now this is a guy I told my friends that I liked, and that I was interested in getting to know, and now his number is bye-bye. But the problem is not that I deleted his number, the problem is that I FORGOT that I deleted his number! I mean I didn't remember that I even had it in the first place after about a week. So I walk into his classroom, and he asks if I'm mad, and it took me a minute to even recall why I would be mad at him.

This has to be a defense mechanism gone wrong right?

A friend once told me that I need to be in a relationship, because I guy would love me. I'm a sports fan, I like video games, I love action movies, I'm low maintanace, I can cook. But the more guys that are interested in me, I notice that I prefer the ones where they are distant cause then I wont have any issues with getting too attached.

*sigh* I need to get over this though.

Resolution: Next guy's number I put in my phone I will not delete. Easier said than done.l

Life is a circle... And You Grow During Each Turn

It's so funny how the worst moments of your life have to happen so that the best can happen. And also how things are so much more dramatic when you are in the moment. Without divulging to much information I'll say this: revisiting the past is not always a bad idea. I had a relationship that I wanted for so many years to say I had "closed." I tried to get over it, move on, ignore old wounds... but I couldn't. However this past weekend I was able to move that unresolved issue from the "fail" pile to the "I'm good" pile.

Now, when this past issue was actually in the past, I was completely heart broken I couldn't understand the other side of the coin, but now that I have grown as a person, I can. And I understand that that particular situation was where I thought I wanted to be, but I didn't need to be there. In that moment, it was pure drama, now it's just a comedy of errors that had to happen for me to learn.

So now that the circle has been completed, I don't know what's gonna happen in the future. But what I do know is that I'm so happy and content that this could finally be the end, or a completely new beginning and I would be equally as cool.

I love the feeling of true growth, and I can't wait to take my next step, understanding that life is only plateaus; never-ending plateaus that get further and further apart... but the beauty of the scenery becomes more amazing as you catch your breath waiting for the next climb...

May be I like some White in my Chocolate

OK so...

I'm having this dilemma... I'm sitting next to this really cute guy, a college rep for another school, and he's completely not into me. Which actually isn't my problem. My problem is that he 's white. I don't know when I came to this place where it's cool with me to date outside my race. I mean I've done it before, but it was more of a conquest thing. I wanted to experience something different really, something else like that Sanaa Lathan movie. But now I find myself drawn to everyone, regardless of race, creed, or color. I guess this is a good thing, dispite what the movie depicts there's nothing wrong with a little Jungle Fever right?

I guess this is what Tracy Morgan meant by "post racial America." Thank you Tracy, and President Obama, cause even though you made others look at you in a different light, you also made me look at "the others" differently too. Not only did your election show change, but it also showed that it's not that weird for a white guy to vote for a black guy, so maybe it's not weird for a white guy to fall for a black girl. I have a dream of having this really attractive husband, with these really attractive kids, and that guy in my dreams was generally a Chocolate brotha, well maybe now he's more like Hot White Chocolate!