#8: reaching Dreams or Reaching dreams

It must be hard,
not to be who you wish you were.
I strive instead,
to be better than I currently am.

On Love, Actually

I have had the pleasure to be inducted into a sorority, and to become friends with a member, because of that induction. And also because of that induction, I have become friends with her best friend. Over the last 6 months I have spent one day a week with these women. Talking, laughing, getting on each others nerves in a good way, and through them I have gotten to know the men that they spend their time with. Now the thing that makes this story interesting is that both of these men are exceptional. I mean they are good men, handsome, nice, and most important they are good, very good to my friends. And in turn, my friends are very, very good to them. But their relationships are built in two completely different ways. Each couple relates to each other in different ways, and they both work, and work well. But there are somethings that both possess that make them have the dynamic that makes the relationships admirable.

This has all been said to illustrate the reason why I was able to write this poem.

I cannot write about love when I'm in it. I just can't. I have loved a dozen times, I have only been IN love twice in my life. Both of those times I had the biggest writers block, or I was just so selfish with my emotion that I didn't want to share it with the world, the latter being the best explanation.

Now, when I'm not in love, I can write about wanting it. I have no problem with that. I can write about how I imagine it feels, or how it looks, or smells. I can write about having something better than I had before. I can be wishful, hopeful. This is no problem. I also had the horrible disposition of being a "love hater," a person so sick of seeing others in relationships that I never really wanted to know what their love looked like from the outside. I guess I just didn't want to witness what I didn't have.

But until I was around these two women, I did not know what that loved actually looked like, and seeing this makes me realize that I never had what I thought I had.

So I have had the idea of writing about this love that I see often, but I did not know how to voice it, how to put it in tangible words, how to let others read what I see.

Enter a third couple. And goodness, they are just as spectacular as the first two. This couple is actually so well suited for each other it's amazing they didn't meet in a sandbox somewhere. They have the same sense of humor, the same chill personality, and the same caring nature. That being said, it was something that he said to her that gave voice to the idea of this "young love" that I wanted to showcase. (Now I say "young" because I, like most, have the pleasure of being around couples who have been married for years, and even going to the weddings of friends, but I have never had the opportunity to be a witness to the meeting, arranging, and blossoming of couples until now) It was just 140 characters but it summed up what I had been seeing.

Now, I am in a place where other people's happiness, makes me happy. And I seek to be around people who genuinely love each other, I can ask their advice, I can get different perspectives on how they make things work because they are all so different, but work so well together. This is a super long poem explanation, but if one day I become a famous poet, and some senior in some college somewhere is doing a study on my work, I would have at least helped to answer the question, "what was her motivation?" My motivation is not love, or how to be in it, but being surrounded by those caught up in an emotion so strong, that their joy has rubbed off on me.

#7: Love, Actually

I have determined,
There is a difference between
Loving,
And loving unconditionally.
See, love is in love with being in love,
It's a selfish emotion.
Love sends a "get well soon" message when you're sick,
And drops you off, then texts to make sure you got in safely.
Love likes to look good,
And makes sure you look good when you're with it.
Love listens to you complain,
tells you congratulations on a promotion,
And buys you a drink for your birthday.
Love knows your favorite things,
ignores your flaws
And supports your vices.
Love tells you that you're perfect in the morning and kisses your forehead,
And says you can do nothing wrong.
Love encourages your triumphs,
But unconditional love supports you even when you fail.
It tells you when you're wrong,
And even though it tells you your breath needs a touch-up in the morning, it kisses you
anyway.
Unconditional love makes you want to improve just to make it happy,
And still loves you unconditionally if you fall a little short.
It understands why some things mean more than others,
And goes out it's way to find new things that you'll like even more.
Unconditional love sings you happy birthday at midnight, and buys the whole damn bar,
if that's what you want, then watches you sleep til morning to make sure you're ok.
It sends you a dozen roses to your desk to celebrate your accomplishments,
And makes you completely forget about whatever the hell it is you do at that building
downtown, when it walks through the door.
Unconditional love likes to make you feel good, looks damn good while doing it too, and
even digs how making you feel good makes love feel good, and likes how that feeling
looks good on you.
It walks you to the door, and has counted the stories and numbered the windows to make
sure the light turns on in your apartment before it leaves (even though it would never
admit to doing so),
then calls to tell you goodnight when it gets home.
Unconditional love is so in love, it wishes for thousands of dollars in loans to go to the
best schools, 12 years of sleep deprivation and brain cramps, malpractice insurance, and
specialties in everything possible on the off chance you come down with something so it
can be your first, second, and third opinion.
Love is a selfish emotion,
In love with the idea of being extended to catch the falling,
but moving aside afraid the strike will make it fall too.
But, unconditional love...

Unconditional love will stretch.
Bend.
Contort.
To secure what's hurling towards it, and
fall to cushion the impact.
So, yes.
There is a difference between loving,
And loving unconditionally.
Everyone has loved.

*shoutout to @LogicDriven for the title

#6: No Excuses

I am not gay.
I am not intimidated by you.
I do not have a pressing date to my wash clothes or hair.
My car is not in the shop.
To tell the truth, I just got an oil change, and my fluids topped off.
I do not have kids, so a babysitter isn't needed.
I will not be out of town.
I may or may not have a boyfriend, but that has nothing to do with my response.
Girls night out is on Thursday,
And yes, I drink or dance on occasion.
I do not have plans.
No one I know is having a birthday, marriage, baby shower, anniversary, or retirement
party this weekend.
There is nothing pressing for me to watch on TV.
I'm sure there is an important sporting event on,
But that's besides the point.
I like to go to movies, and dinner.
I really like concerts and plays.
I would probably be impressed with your taste in any of them.
I'm sure you have a job,
And a car.
You are probably comfortable in your skin,
And I know I'm comfortable in mine.
I just had my eyebrows done,
And I've looked good all week.
The weather's nice,
And I don't have to work early in the morning.
I have something to wear.
I actually just bought a new dress that would look good on me on Friday night.
I would love to go on a date,
But I simply do not wish to go with you.

#5: After 7 Years...

I've always asked the question
what was it that I did
to push you away.

I was demanding
I needed so much of you,
drove you to do more.

I expected you to do what you said,
and sometimes what I said,
or not say it at all.

I wanted you
on all fronts,
and in all ways.

And for 7 years I have wondered,
pondered,
contemplated.

Was I too demanding?
Did I expect too much?
Did I want what you couldn't give?

I simply demanded
for you to live
up to your own potential.

I expected you
to be accountable for your actions,
to love me enough to tell me the truth.

I wanted you
to be the best you,
to be happy with where you were.

And all these years,
I've blamed myself
for expecting what I wanted you to demand of yourself.

And while writing these words
I realize,
it was me.

It was you who was afraid to be successful.

It was I who pushed you away.

Bored so I was thinking...

So, as I sit I work waiting for my next presentation to start, I wonder what it is that GOD has in the works for me. You know how in the bible, at church during sermons, speaking with your elders, they all say that "GOD has a plan for your life," "everyone has a calling." Surely, my calling cannot be selling High School students on education. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoy my job. I love hearing from students who are in the school, and are excited about their classes, and their teachers, and their internships, and about being successful in general. I love my teachers, who love their job. I love my boss, and my co-workers (well most of them anyway). I don't know if anyone I know has a job that suits them more than mine suit me. But for some reason I still feel like I'm treading water.

I could be doing more. I could be helping more people, or making more money. But my issue is that I don't know what the heck it is that I could be doing to get to that place. I really want to figure it out. I want to not only enjoy my job, but feel like it's the place where the Lord has wanted me to be all these years. I want to be challenged daily. This job is not challenging. It's cut and dry, I do the same thing everyday, and the only way it would change is that I would have more unchallenging responsibility.

What I do know is that I need to figure it out. I will though, eventually, before it's too late, I have faith in that. GOD has placed me on a path to find what he wants of me, and it might take me 2 years, or 20, but I'll get there.

Funny what enlightenment comes from bored thoughts.

#4: Music As A Lover

You caress my auditory impulses,
make me love you in intricate ways.
I can't control my desires
as you pulse through me.
I can feel the beat,
as you beat incessantly,
I push you louder
so I can feel you in me as you surround me.
Pause.
Let me grab some water,
I don't want to miss a high or a low
just want to bump you 'til the speakers
bust.
And keep you rolling
I can hear you go in, and out,
and in, and out,
a rhythm that soothes me.
You blow me.
Rewind.
You blow me with experimentation,
introducing things that I've never considered before.
The fine stroke of a string as you play my drums like a guitar,
slow and sensual,
understanding the delicacies of the first time,
gradually, gradually rising,
daring me to keep up
as I strain to match your feverish pace.
Sometimes I have to catch my breath after you take it away.
When finished you leave me so satisfied,
begging for frequent repeats,
always longing for one more hit,
jonesin' for you to fill me,
fulfill me,
pour into me,
your depth,
your length,
your
girth.
The vast array of understanding that abounds in your aura
I dig how you dig me
How you have memorized me,
always approaching me
with the perfect melody
allowing me to fall into your groove
move with you.
Match your bass
leave me open to reception.
I want you like this forever.
Loving you far into the night,
into the morning,
and beyond.
Spreading,
growing,
learning you.
Becoming a scholar of your ins and inbetweens,
so I can shout your name so loud the neighbors come knocking.
Just trying to understand what we have,
what we have is priceless,
although I pay for you,
go down to my last to satisfy my need for you,
and sometimes you give it up for free.
I love everything about you,
I rise and fall in you,
on you,
and with you.
I want this release,
new or otherwise,
for the rest of my life.

#3: Music As a Friend

Always there...
I mean always.
No fair weather.
Delivers like the mail man,
rain, sleet, hail, and snow.
I can't describe it,
and I can't escape it.
You change your clothes with my moods,
scream when I scream,
cry when I cry,
and make me laugh when I forget how.
I replay you,
over and over again,
so I can feel your emphasis,
memorize,
quote in a way so my jargon is palatable.
Sometimes I am chaotic,
moods up and down like the head nod to a perfect beat.
And you stay with me.
Even on those days when I don't know what I want,
just pass you by,
unsure, unable to commit,
and you simply find a way to comfort me.
There is no need for words with you.
You understand,
you know me, in all the right ways.
And this is why I love you.