#4: Music As A Lover

You caress my auditory impulses,
make me love you in intricate ways.
I can't control my desires
as you pulse through me.
I can feel the beat,
as you beat incessantly,
I push you louder
so I can feel you in me as you surround me.
Pause.
Let me grab some water,
I don't want to miss a high or a low
just want to bump you 'til the speakers
bust.
And keep you rolling
I can hear you go in, and out,
and in, and out,
a rhythm that soothes me.
You blow me.
Rewind.
You blow me with experimentation,
introducing things that I've never considered before.
The fine stroke of a string as you play my drums like a guitar,
slow and sensual,
understanding the delicacies of the first time,
gradually, gradually rising,
daring me to keep up
as I strain to match your feverish pace.
Sometimes I have to catch my breath after you take it away.
When finished you leave me so satisfied,
begging for frequent repeats,
always longing for one more hit,
jonesin' for you to fill me,
fulfill me,
pour into me,
your depth,
your length,
your
girth.
The vast array of understanding that abounds in your aura
I dig how you dig me
How you have memorized me,
always approaching me
with the perfect melody
allowing me to fall into your groove
move with you.
Match your bass
leave me open to reception.
I want you like this forever.
Loving you far into the night,
into the morning,
and beyond.
Spreading,
growing,
learning you.
Becoming a scholar of your ins and inbetweens,
so I can shout your name so loud the neighbors come knocking.
Just trying to understand what we have,
what we have is priceless,
although I pay for you,
go down to my last to satisfy my need for you,
and sometimes you give it up for free.
I love everything about you,
I rise and fall in you,
on you,
and with you.
I want this release,
new or otherwise,
for the rest of my life.

#3: Music As a Friend

Always there...
I mean always.
No fair weather.
Delivers like the mail man,
rain, sleet, hail, and snow.
I can't describe it,
and I can't escape it.
You change your clothes with my moods,
scream when I scream,
cry when I cry,
and make me laugh when I forget how.
I replay you,
over and over again,
so I can feel your emphasis,
memorize,
quote in a way so my jargon is palatable.
Sometimes I am chaotic,
moods up and down like the head nod to a perfect beat.
And you stay with me.
Even on those days when I don't know what I want,
just pass you by,
unsure, unable to commit,
and you simply find a way to comfort me.
There is no need for words with you.
You understand,
you know me, in all the right ways.
And this is why I love you.

Poem #2: Surrounded

I use to pride myself in being the dumbest one in my group. Wait, let me rephrase that. I like to surround myself with people who are smarter than me. Using their knowledge to increase the appearance of my own. A perennial perpetration of elevation, if you will. Trying, striving, wanting to be better, but falling short.

I have been deemed to have “potential.”

Is that meant to be a complement or an insult?

“She has great potential”

It’s like saying, “you could be good, but you’re not.” Potential is a hard word to live up to. All I think of when I hear that word is, that dream deferred. I am that raisin. I have that sun; I’ve birthed a stance of inequity. And inequity next to genius is stagnant. But the issue is that I can’t figure if that genius is mad, or hungry; knowing that an unfed understanding is a cancer rapidly expanding. Killing the cells of upward mobility, crippling them to the point where thirst for comprehension is left paraplegic.

So I limp.

Like Jacob touched by God.

My desires for betterment burn.

So I surround myself with better. I hope for a mob action of the mind. Wanting my arrested development to push me; urging my pride to be intact. Understanding that those around me are not smarter, but smart enough to keep me around. Hoping to no longer be strapped down with potential, but with released to realization.

Poem #1: Work in Progress

I'd be lying if I said I never doubt you, but
I know that I couldn't live without you
No, I couldn't breathe,
And I couldn't see,
I just wouldn't be
And why y'all would see
is an unwatered seed
Dried up in the weeds
and in dyer need
Of a soul to pray for me
Not a parable or a prophecy
Just using honesty
It's a virtue
Say em to yourself
Lies still hurt you
I've done my dirt too,
I still do it.
I see the stop sign and I,
I run through it
Taking risks, I'm afraid to quit
But it's God's plan I should fight to fit
So the world loosens it's grip
And I can add brick my brick
To this single foundation
And at the next crosswords I'll pass with no citation
So I look forward to next time.
And while I force this rhyme
And leave hyperbole out of this diction
The non-fiction I must confess
Is that I am, and always will be a work in progress

Doing More...

I need to get back to writing. It's so funny how you get this degree, and then you get a job, and that degree tends to move down on the importance-meter. Not saying that I don't use tools that my classes taught me in my every day life, I do, but I'm not writing, I'm not reading, I'm not in a constant stream of education like I was in College. I miss it. I miss it so much I wish I could go back to school just to taste it. But what I'm beginning to realize is that I don't need school for that, I just need time and effort. So I'm challenging myself to create a poem a week, however wack it might be, just to get myself in the mood. What that gives me is around 50 poems. So lets get to work.

Bad Habits

I have a bad habit of freaking out at feelings. For as sensitive as I am, you would think that stuff like that wouldn't phase me, but alas you would be wrong. Now, I don't freak out in the sense that I get clingy or start imaging stuff that isn't there. I have a habit of deleting.

If I like you, and I don't feel adquately recipricated, I delete. If I feel that something is moving too fast, I delete. If I feeli that something is moving too slow I delete. I think that I have deleted the phone number of every male in my phones address book at least once, unless they are a very good friend of course.

Case and point:

I had a little crush on this attractive young teacher that I did a presentation for a while back. We excanged information, and talked a couple of times. He asked me out, but something happened and we got disconnected and he didn't call me back. I called him, he didn't really have a reason, so when I got off the phone I deleted his number. Now this is a guy I told my friends that I liked, and that I was interested in getting to know, and now his number is bye-bye. But the problem is not that I deleted his number, the problem is that I FORGOT that I deleted his number! I mean I didn't remember that I even had it in the first place after about a week. So I walk into his classroom, and he asks if I'm mad, and it took me a minute to even recall why I would be mad at him.

This has to be a defense mechanism gone wrong right?

A friend once told me that I need to be in a relationship, because I guy would love me. I'm a sports fan, I like video games, I love action movies, I'm low maintanace, I can cook. But the more guys that are interested in me, I notice that I prefer the ones where they are distant cause then I wont have any issues with getting too attached.

*sigh* I need to get over this though.

Resolution: Next guy's number I put in my phone I will not delete. Easier said than done.l

Lost Recording

Finally figured out how to put this up! I recorded this a couple of months back after a successful open mic at the Tini Martini. Hope you like it, the words are posted in a previous blog post.